I’ve been thinking about my days, and about time. And how the time and the experiences in my day seem to speed by and run around me at a frantic pace. There are chores to be done, schedules to adhere to, and two daughters wanting and asking for different things. There are phone calls and emails, and tasks on my to-do list.
At the end of the girls’ day, I sometimes thoroughly enjoy bedtime and all of the parts of it- teeth brushing, family prayer, listening to Talia read, reading to both girls, Talia’s prayer, Katrina’s prayer, tucking them in, singing to them, scratching their backs, and sometimes even putting Katrina back into bed (several times).
Some nights I soak it all in with a sentimental joy. Sometimes I hurry through it, feeling that their sleep couldn’t come fast enough- that their sleep will equal my peace. But regardless of how close I am to the end of my “mommy rope” while I’m experiencing their “bedtime”, I always face the same experience after they are asleep:
I get my peace. I get my silence. I breathe. I quietly open their door and peek into their room to see their sweet little angelic faces sleeping peacefully and beautifully. And my heart just ACHES.
Ironically, it seems that it is aching for moments before, when they were still awake, and for hours before when that day and those girls were swirling around me. And I wish so hard that I could put myself back into the middle of the day and somehow SLOW DOWN. Slow the DAY down. Slow the girls down… slow ME down. Just freeze it. Just stop everything and ENJOY it. Do you feel this?
Those moments do happen. They are magical. They are the moments when everything around me stops and I am suddenly so aware and present in a moment; when I fully and truly soak a moment in and enjoy BEing… in my life, as a mother, with my girls.
I’ve thought about this several nights in a row and I keep asking myself what I can do differently during the day to stop it from speeding by me. I have heard so many mothers speak about how they miss the time when their children were young. How it speeds by so quickly. How those of us who are IN it, ought to enjoy it. I have such strong feelings of wanting to soak it all up and not have regrets.
Do you experience this? (or if you’re past this stage of parenthood, did you?)
What do you do to try and enjoy the moments more?
I would love to hear your thoughts on this.
In contrast, do you ever have those nights where you look at their sweet, sleeping faces and wonder why they can't sleep for 24 hours? Because I sometimes have those nights. :) But sometimes when I see them sleep I get a quick glimpse of them all grown up, secure and independent, and my heart just wants to burst! And then I know how important it is for me to help form the days of their childhood to give them the adult life I so want them to have. I think it's pretty standard to feel like we're not doing enough, to panic over our decisions and effectiveness. I think it's been helpful to identify three or five or so things that I want them to know/do/accomplish/feel to use as markers. It can be so hard to judge day-by-day how we are doing, but when we have a big-picture goal like that it helps me to see our progress, and I feel comfort. Also, asking in prayer on a daily basis what we need to be doing is the greatest reassurance we have! I haven't mastered this area but I feel less angst about it :)
ReplyDeleteI also think there is a lot of validity in the thought that it's easier sometimes to enjoy the memory then the moment. I think we've all been there in various ways - any practical jokes that were only hilarious in hindsight? We should certainly try to make the most of each moment, but it's OK if we can't see it immediately. So if kids are screaming and dinner is burning and you're still in your pajamas, I think it's OK to not feel the joy of the moment until later :)
Those are good ideas- to think in terns of what you want them to learn in order to be able to have the life you hope they'll have. And I'm with you on the prayer- it's in my prayers every day! (I really feel like I need guidance for some things ;)
DeleteHaha I love the last sentance of your comment. It sounds sort of extreme, but not really, because that is actually quite a realistic situation to be in! ;)
I certainly experience this a lot. It seems like my daughter grows so much everyday yet I often find myself looking forward to when she can talk, or play tee-ball, do artwork and crafty things more, instead of really focusing on enjoying the things she can do now and then I feel guilty.
ReplyDeleteI do wish many days I could just stop time and let her not grow up.
-Pamela